Of Course I Love My Husband - Part 2

Valentine's Day swirls our heads with thoughts of love and romance.  Sometimes the two go hand-in-hand, other times we confuse the two, or we confuse the role each one should play in our lives.

In this series on learning to Titus 2 love our husbands, Part 1 dealt with the issue of losing our love when our husbands don't meet our unrealistic expectations for them or when they can't perform that expected art of mind-reading.

Part two deals with a more serious and heartbreaking reason why women can lose their love for their husbands.  Some of my observations come from personal experience, others come from encounters with other couples we have counselled.

*We can lose our love when our husbands don't meet realistic expectations.


Husbands will fail. They are human.  This isn't a forum to expose our husbands failures, but to focus on our reactions to them.  There are times when husbands don't meet basic needs required by the Lord, the wife and/or society to make a happy marriage.  They might not be reading the Bible daily.   You might think they're putting work first.  They might not be leading the family in devotions as often as you would like. You might feel like you are doing all the parenting.  Some of these problems are one-sided, the husband may actually think he is doing a pretty good job in these areas. Or he may think that being a good provider and working hard is putting his family first.  It is a Biblical obligation, and while he views it as a win, the wife might view it as a failure because he isn't home often.  But, there might be times that last for hours, weeks, months or years when the wife has to face the lonely reality that her husband is not holding up his end of the marital bargain according to her standards, the Bible's standard and common sense.

This is the best time to pour out the love, not withhold it.  This is the time when your Biblical role as a "helpmeet" comes to test. Can you help him through this time? Can you endure?  Can you live your Christianity before him with joy? Can you discover the WHYS to his problems and help him overcome them?

Women can easily discern their husbands' failings, they aren't always good about discerning how to handle them.

Don't nag! 
We know this, we don't always follow through. Nagging just comes so naturally.
Judges 16:16, "With such nagging she (Delilah) prodded him day after day until he was tired to death."

I met a young mom with many undisciplined kids who immediately began talking nonstop about her husband.  As I kept trying to bring the focus more to her faith, she kept haranguing.  I was being verbally assaulted.  Somewhere in the middle, she angrily talked about how her husband worked many, many late nights.  Claiming she wanted to encourage him as a good Christian wife, she and the kids brought a meal to the office.  There was daddy, relaxing at his desk, watching a movie.  She was livid! I actually found myself secretly applauding his creativity in escaping the nagging.  I was worn down in a 15 minute conversation, he had to go home to her every night.

Although, Biblically, he should have just crawled up on the roof and lived.



Don't argue!
When you argue, you weaken your stand.  If you are right, arguing makes you appear wrong because of the way you approach the situation. Does it matter if you are right? Isn't your goal to help him become right?


Proverbs 27:15, "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day."
Save your energy for prayer.

Don't tell!
I was soon introduced to that women's sport called husband-bashing.  I worked at a bank and  breaks were filled with juicy stories of how stupid, selfish, and unromantic husbands were.  I started eating lunch alone to avoid this scene. 

My husband and I promised each other to never talk about one another, unless the issue was resolved and by mutual agreement we shared the situation to be a spiritual encouragement to other people. Just as I feel loved because I know he never shares those humiliating moments where I have failed as a wife, he knows his secrets are safe with me.

When I needed to talk, I only confided in older women I know do not gossip.  They are hard to find, so I didn't often talk to anybody but the Lord. People don't forget.  Long after your husband may have changed, he may still be viewed in the way you first portrayed him.

Even under the guise of a prayer request, revealing your husband's deepest weaknesses could be harmful.  Would you want him to go to the men's Bible study and say, "Hey, please pray for my wife.  She's really been a nag.  She's letting herself go, looks like a slob when I come home and she yells at the kids.  We just really need to bring her before the Lord."

Don't tell your children your husband's faults. Find honest things to praise him for in front of the kids, friends and family members.  Be real.

Once I was trying too hard and my husband stated, "You've been reading those marriage books again, haven't you?"

Don't turn to another man in any way!
It seems so obvious that it shouldn't have to be mentioned, but I've read about Christian affairs that have been started with "spiritual purpose."  A woman is not getting the fellowship she craves from her husband, so she starts talking to another brother about spiritual things.  A spiritual bond can lead to an emotional bond, which can lead to a physical relationship.   I am not saying do not have fellowship with brothers, I am cautioning you to guard your heart.

Some women just take this step in their imaginations, where they think about how spiritual other men are, what it would like to be married to a man like that. Do not covet even the noblest characteristics, even in your mind.

Do focus on yourself!
There are always cause and effect matters in relationships.  Are you causing any of his behavior?  Is there anything you need to change first? I am not advocating a husband's innocence in all matters, again, just a challenge to look inward before looking outward. If you have removed the beam, work on the speck.

If you shoot down all of his opinions, he may stop offering them.  A healthy discussion, where each side is received without scorn or ridicule, is important.

If you criticize the way he deals with the kids, he may find it easier to keep peace by not dealing with children. Sometimes men honestly think that since they can't do anything right at all, it is better to just do nothing.

Is your reaction so wrong, that it justifies his actions?  Be blameless.


Do pray!
Of course we know we should pray, but we need to pray very specifically about what we think our husband's failings our. It is better to tell the Lord so He can let us know if we are right or wrong, and then He can tell us how to proceed.

The Lord gave me this guideline early in our marriage.  Before I approached my husband with an alleged fault, I prayed about it three times.  By taking your concerns honestly before the Lord, you clear out your own selfish ambitions, your own critical spirit and your hidden agendas by holding them up to the light of the Savior.  Then, if you still feel led to speak, you are approaching as Esther did, with spiritual preparation.

It is unproductive to throw something like, "You just aren't being the spiritual leader" out in a fight.  Trust me, it doesn't work.

However, if after praying about it at LEAST three times, the Lord might lead you to pray through a portion of Scripture, to open up a discussion about each of your roles in marriage or lead you to be silent.  Maybe a more submissive and encouraging spirit would give freedom for leadership.  I can't give you the answer that will help specifically.  The Lord will reveal it if you are faithful to reading His Word and praying.

If you leave it with the Lord in prayer, you can't take it back with worry.

Do praise!
You married him for good reasons.  Remember those.  Appreciate those.

Do love!
If this blog is about older women teaching younger women how to love their husbands, you might be a bit frustrated that I would give a command instead of instruction.

The instruction is in the Word.  I Corinthians 13 is a perfect guideline for you to follow. The Lord will tell you how to apply this as you pray for each of these characteristics to be evident through your love as a wife.


PROMISE OF GOD:
I Peter 3:1, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives."

Husbands can be won over.  It may take hours, it may take days, it may take weeks, it may take months, it may take years.  Do you have the spiritual perseverance to believe the promise of God for your husband?

Are you excited about the make-over He is going to do in your life while you are waiting?

Just keep loving your husband, even when he doesn't meet realistic expectations.

Of Course I Love My Husband - Part 1

As a newly saved young woman, I fell in love with  the Bible.  I believed it was true and it was alive to me each day as I poured over it, finding new treasures, needed answers and fresh encouragements. I wanted to obey everything I read.

But, once in awhile, there were things that confused me.  I didn't know why they were in the Bible. I didn't doubt God, I didn't think the Bible was wrong, I just didn't understand.

One of confusions was in Titus 2-
3 the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things
4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,

I understood the first part, but verse four threw me for a loop.  I just couldn't understand why the Lord would have to include that in the Bible.  I just knew if only I had a good-looking, godly young man who had pledged his life to me at the altar, seeled with a delicious kiss  after lifting my filmy veil, I would always love him.  Always and forever, and forever and ever amen.

Then I got married.  It didn't take me too long after the "I do" and the run back down the aisle that I knew exactly WHY the Lord put that admonishment in the Bible.

That is exactly what I need to hear.

Sometimes I have a hard time loving my husband.

Fairy tale love is easy, but fades fast. It's the fantasy love we create by watching stupid movies and reading stupid books, and picturing marriage as this romantic vacation where we always receive roses, wonderful cards and are idolized for our beauty, creativity, intelligence and faith. Add to that fantasy, the mystical idea that saying I DO will change all those imperfections that were noticed, but ignored, in the Man of Your Dreams with the first exhale of breath after the lifetime declaration.

The true is, rue love, abiding love, till death-do-you-part love is hard for many reasons.

And, it isn't my good-looking, godly husband's fault.  Well, some of the time, but most of the time it isn't.  It is just me.

*We can lose our love when our husbands don't meet our unrealistic expectations.

I was blessed to have an older woman, Jean, teach me to leave expectations behind when I walked down the aisle. She knew  women spend a lot of time building expectations of how a husband will perform, how he will make you feel and what he will do for you. Our love fades when those dreams don't become realities.

Along with those performance expectations, we can expect them to be mind readers.  Men can barely understand  women when they speak clearly, they certainly aren't able to look into our complicated brains, mixed in with huge doses of feelings, and automatically know those expectations and meet them. 

Fill in the blank.  What did you expect of your husband to be?

"When I get married, my husband will always _______________________________"

We have the privilege of speaking with our husbands and discussing our needs, our desires and even our romantic ideals of marriage, but there is no logic in expecting it.

I haven't mastered that advice from Jean, I'm still working on it like a cow chews her cud.

I STILL expect my husband to do every item on the honey-do list as soon as I write it down.  That is an unfair expectation, not seeing his needs or his fatigue from work. I've learned to show my love by doing some of the projects myself or buy all the items needed and putting them together to make his end of the project easier.

When I put the  shelf with hooks and the tools in the hallway,

 it only took a few days of waiting for the project to be completed. 

Plus, it got done the way I wanted. 

They don't read minds about projects, either.

I used to have expectations of how each holiday was going to go, especially Valentine's Day.  My husband had a different idea of romance.  He didn't like to buy presents and cards because Hallmark told him to, he thought it had more meaning to randomly buy me flowers and gifts just because he wanted to.  He thought I would see his thoughts and actions of love were from his heart and not from a Hallmark obligation.

I spent a few years a little secretly disappointed because I wanted the Hallmark holidays.  I wasn't always as thankful for the random flowers and gifts as I should have been.  I was also disappointed with my reaction.  How could something like that bother me? Through the years of talking and explaining, we learned to understand each other's hearts.  We naturally came to a new compromise, without really planning to.

When Scott understood the foolish desires of my heart, he began enjoying making Valentine's Day gushy for me, to fulfill those longings.   I learned to be thankful and express my thanks for his random acts of romanticism.

I have learned to have only this expectation in our marriage - I expect the Lord to continue to bless our marriage as we continue to bless Him.

It's All Perspective

At the beginning of January, when my husband turned 46, my stomach turned just a teensy-weensy bit anxious.  I was going to turn 46 next,  in August.  We'd crested the hill of middle-age and were going down the slippery slope to 50.

It sounded so old.  I was trying to convince myself that age doesn't matter, and all that stuff, but the lines on my face, the little double chin that disappears only when I tilt my head a little too far back to look normal and the wrinkled hands have proved the adage, "I'm not gettin' any younger."

But, with the return of my cancer for the third time at the end of January, I suddenly found 50 lookin' really good.

Now, I WANT to turn 50.

It's all perspective.

Our spiritual perspective can be distorted at times, too.

With my diagnosis came a rush of peace and joy and presence of the Lord.  I felt so uplifted, and I knew we would be able to endure yet another round.

Wednesday afternoon, circumstances found me alone in my home for four hours.  I could clean, organize, write, cross things off my To DO List with a vengeance. I've discovered that cancer has brought out the nesting instinct just like pregnancy.  Only now I come home from the hospital empty handed.

One of those items on the list was to call the hospital where I will be getting my treatment.  During my initial surgery and hospitalization for RadioActive Iodine 1-131, I had some very, very bad experiences.  They made several major mistakes. I just needed some affirmation that they were going to take care of me this time.
After talking to Molly for about 20 minutes, I was assured that things were different, there was a new room where I would be isolated for three days, I would have access to a DVD player, there were new drinks to choose from even with ice, and I could bring my computer.  Whew.

Before I could even cross anything off my list, I got a phone call from the hospital.  I was a bit surprised. I hadn't given them my full name.

It wasn't Molly, it was the scheduling department.

"Is this Melinda?" 
"Yes."
"You have a  body scan scheduled on Feburary 19th and we need to reschedule it."
"Reschedule?  Why?"
"The hospital isn't open on the 15th, so you wouldn't be able to do the full series of shots.  We need to reschedule."
"Why aren't you open?"
"It's President's Day and the hospital is closed."

In my mind I'm thinking, "How stupid can you be?  You've known for MONTHS its President's Day, how do you end up calling me two business days before my testing begins to tell me you're not open?"  I had made my appointment the same day I was diagnosed and had begun the diet immediately.

Instead, I bit my tongue and said with honest politeness, "Do you know how horrible this is?  I have to be on the low iodine diet for an extra week and now have to put off the testing for my cancer another week."

No sympathy.  No voice inflection.  The monotone repeated, "We need to reschedule. Your body scan is now on the 25th."

I didn't want to let her off the hook.  "Fine, I'll reschule for the 22nd to the 25th, but you have to know this is really affecting my life."

I was also thinking about the three lumps that grew in three months.  The new timetable put it at one full month from diagnosis to testing.  We still have treatment after that. These little things are growing too quickly for my comfort.

No sympathy.  No assurance. Just that same uncaring voice adding one more week to my sentence.

I hung up and for 30 seconds cried, but it took too much energy.  The hospital, the one I was trying to gain confidence in, had failed again. I worried that if I couldn't trust them for something as simple as scheduling appointments only on days the hospital was open, how could I entrust them with the actual treatment?  I was upset.  In fact, I surprised myself.  I took cancer from the Lord, but I couldn't take the calendar change from the Lord. I  had survived the tornado and been blown over by a whisper.

For days I had been mentally preparing myself to take heed lest I stumble.  Lack of faith  frequently follows a spiritual victory. There is something about the Lord getting glory that satan just doesn't like.  I was trying to beware, we cautious, to guard my heart and my soul.  My temporary lack of faith put me in good company with Elijah, Jonah and many others.

In my deepest disappointment, the Lord spoke to me.  He reminded me I am to have NO confidence in man.  I am to trust in Him alone.  He is the one who is going to heal me, if it is His will.  The medical staff will be instruments used for His purposes.

"And,"  I added under my breath, as I heard His voice, " if I'm healed, it will not be BECAUSE of the medical profession, but in SPITE of them."

It's all perspective.



(This blog has joined other at the FAB Friday at Blog Schmog.  Read how other bloggers have learned to turn lemons into lemonaid!)

Heart Flashcards

I'd been wanting to post on these flashcards for awhile.

Today I am glad I procrastinated.

What a fun math project for Valentine's Week!

They're not just for moms whose children are housetrained.

(That's what my oldest son nicknamed homeschooling.)

Ya' know, all Moms end up being teaching moms,

even if they don't homeschool.

Pop over to my blog hOmE tEaChEd

for directions.

For those of you not interested in flashcards at this stage of life -

a love verse.

Jude 1:21 "Keep yourselves in the love of God,

 looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ

 unto eternal life.

Two Diets, One God

I had never been on a diet in my life until I came down with thyroid cancer.

The low iodine diet is challenging, but necessary.  By removing iodine from my body with changes in my diet, when it's injected into my body with radioactivity attached, it will go straight to my cancerous thryoid cells.

The smaller dose is used to diagnose.

A larger dose is used to kill the cancer.

Too much radioactivity over a lifetime could cause more cancer.

I was surprised to find out how many foods have iodine in them.  You eliminate all things made with salt because even though it is law that they are to label food "iodized salt" or "non-iodized salt" they usually don't. So anything prepacked, premade, store bought or made in a restaurant is eliminated.

Dairy is eliminated because they use iodine to wash the cows' udders, therefore iodine is in all dairy products.

Vitamins and supplements can contain iodine.

Seafoods contain iodine because of naturally occurring iodine in the oceans.

Red Dye #3 has iodine.

No egg yolks.

No soy products.

Additives made from seaweed have iodine.

Going out to eat is usually avoided, but I wanted to treat my girls.

Grace ate a Monster Burger.

Bethany at a Monster Burger.

Momma ate a bowl of vegetables and a plain lettuce salad.

My diet allows me to eat all the fruits and vegetables I want.

Because of iodine in feeds and the way they inject most meat with salt water, I am allowed five ounces of meat a day.

I am allowed one ounce of cheese a day.

I can eat four servings of breads, grains or cereals a day.

I can eat natural, saltless peanut butter.

I can eat unsalted nuts.

Everytime I eat my veggies, I think of my son, Daniel.

In January, he and two buddies, Mike and TJ, dedicated the month of February to the Daniel Diet, the diet Daniel followed in the Old Testament.  Along with the diet, they commited to more prayer to seek the Lord and commit themselves more fully to Him.

Daniel started his diet February 1st, the day I found out and began my low-iodine diet.

As I am munching away, I am reminded of how the Lord called three young men to walk the path with me.

I am encouraged.

And, I am not alone.

Sometimes hungry, but not alone.

Reasons for Writing

Two weeks ago I wrote my first book.  

I agonized over the pictures. 

I agonized over the message.

I agonized over the presentation.

I agonized over the cover later.

I agonized over the results I wanted.

I put it in the mail.

I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The waiting is over.

So is the agony.


It worked!

The comical book I wrote in protest of a parking ticket passed review.  I was escstatic about the results, and it wasn't about the money. It was about the fact that something I wrote fulfilled a purpose.

As I continued to think about this today, rejoicing in my first publication, the Lord reminded me of a devotional given awhile back at the Northwest Christian Writers' Association meeting.  The presenter reminded us all that if we used our writing gifts only for publication, for monetary gain or for public recognition we were writing for the wrong reasons.  She encouraged us to write for the right reason, because we were led by the Lord and were giving the Lord glory.  If He added the blessing of publication, money and recognition, then it was because you sought Him first.  She also reminded us to remember to use our writing to minister to others through letters, emails, cards, those simple things that can bring needed encouragement and hope to a hurting soul.

It reminded me that there are greater writing victories than getting out of a parking ticket.  I am thankful for this success, I have no regrets, but  my heart always longs for spiritual purpose and spiritual success. 

We write to bring the Lord glory,
to bring the Lord of glory to others,
and to let the Lord be glorified in our lives.

And, sometimes, we write to get out of a parking ticket.

Write on!

MM Meditation - Are We Blind and Bossy Disciples?

Luke 8: 43-46

And a woman who had been bleeding twelve years and had spent all her money on physicians, but couldn't  be healed, came behind Him,  touched the border of his garment: and immediately her bleeding stopped.


 And Jesus said, "Who touched me?"

 When all denied, Peter and the others said, "Master, the multitude throng you and press you, and you say,'Who touched me?' "


 And Jesus said, "Somebody touched me: for I felt that power is gone out of me."




The Lord wasn't asking because He didn't know, He was giving her an opportunity to publically testify.

The miracle went right over Peter's head.  He is almost condescending to the Lord,  "Master, somebody in the crowd just accidentally touched you, why are you asking who touched you?"

A great spiritual work had occurred in the presence of the disciples, and they couldn't see it, they couldn't feel it, they were oblivious to all the workings of the Lord.

Should they have known?

Should they have been more in tune in their spirits and observant of the people around the Lord?  What are we not seeing?

We should ask for spiritual eyes of understanding that we may see, know and understand the Lord's workings around us. Maybe there is a neighbor nearby that is under conviction and needs a Christian to help them find the Way. Maybe a coworker is longing to understand the Bible to help them.  The Lord can  easily combine a seeking soul with a willing soul in any variety of circumstances. The problem is, the fields are white, the workers are few.

We also don't see the miracles He works in our life.  What is the flat tire on the Interstate kept you from an 8 car pile-up?

The next chapter, the disciples are still blind.

Luke 9:12-13, And when the day began to wear away, then came the twelve, and said to Him, "Send the multitude away...to the towns and country to lodge and get food: for we are here in a desert place." But he said to them, "Give them to eat."


The disciples came to the Lord with a problem and told Him what to do. They were,ummm, kinda' bossin the Lord around.

Do we do that with our prayers?

We can't come with a problem AND a set solution. Sometimes we don't think the Lord can possibly overcome a situation for us, so we have devised the perfect ending and we like to inform Him of our plans in our prayers.

The disciples were looking for a physical answer. The Lord answered with a miracle.

Can we trust the Lord with our problems?

Only if we are ready for an ending that is better than we could ever have asked or imagined.

We need to pray for spiritual eyes of understanding, so that we can sense the workings of the Lord around us.  We need to freely bring our problems, and freely accept His answer.

We need to be DISCIPLES, leaving off the blind and bossy part.