Honey Dun Did the Honey Do

It was one of

t h o s e

days.

The kinda' day where everything that

could go wrong

does go wrong.

My keyboard stopped working correctly.

This is how it interpreted my typing.

aves

Our


Kids…………………………………………………………………….nk,


They


Won't


Drink……………………………………………………………………..ear,


They


Won't swear……………………………………………………………………….e


The


Word,

Not cool for a woman who's #1 love language

is computer language.

I carefully unscrewed a few screws and took the keyboard apart

enough to clean it out.

I discovered a  battery had exploded.

Using a bajillion q-tips and rubbing alcohol,

I carefully cleaned the entire keyboard. 

It took over an hour.

An hour I really didn't have to spare.

When it still didn't work,

I figured it was some dumb little lever or button

my hubby would touch and it would magically work again.

That usually happens.

So I waited until he came home,

expecting my keyboard to be good as new shortly.

He didn't pry it apart as carefully as I did.

His screwdriver became a class one lever

and  he sent pieces flying everywhere.

Safety goggles should have been worn.

He wasn't paying attention, either.

Doesn't he know that men aren't good at multi-tasking?

He dun broke it.

Yea, "OOPS" is an understatement.

My keyboard wouldn't even repeat letters.

It couldn't even throw in kajillions of extra periods.

I realized I was at an important crossroads in our marriage.

If I criticized him too much,

even if I spoke the truth, 

he wouldn't feel motivated to fix my dryer

that also broke that day.

He certainly wouldn't go for broke on the entire

Honey-Do List.

If I praised him too much,

he might be over-confident

and fix my dryer the same way he fixed my keyboard.

So, I went for middle ground.

I thanked him for trying.

Husbands like to be fed honest appreciation and praise.

Like with kids,

effort has to count.

Remember that.

Effort, not just outcome, counts.

With laugher, and an online order for a new keyboard,

we headed downstairs.

I was called back to admire his handiwork.

An important little piece had broken off,

so he pulled the guts forward,

clamped it.

Now, once you turn it on,

it's always on,

even when you open the door.

You shut it off by turning the button to off.

It's a bit red-neck,but it works.

It really, really works.

Since I don't want to buy a new dryer until I

absolutely have to

I was thrilled.

I didn't have to take the middle ground this time,

I really praised my honey,

who dun did two things on my Honey-Do List.

Brawling Women

Proverbs 21:9 

It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop,

than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

 

A "brawling woman" sounds like someone who had a few too

many barley pops at the local tavern and is giving out knuckle sandwiches.

The Lord isn't describing a Christian wife, is He?

If "brawling" doesn't indicate a bar fight, let's look into the meaning.

"Contentious" is the word chosen in New KJV translation.

 NIV  translated it "quarrelsome."

In the Bible Knowledge Commentary, it says a man would prefer

living on a corner of a housetop

"where one can at least have peace and quiet

rather than in a spacious home with an

argumentative, contentious wife.  

A wife who causes strife

makes a home unpleasant and undesirable."

Putting yourself in the picture yet? 

I am.

 

I guess the "corner of the house" has been replaced with

current sayings like

"being in the doghouse"

"sleeping on the couch"

"being in hot water"

but a wife's reputation to be cranky remains the same.

Yea, that's my husband on the corner of the house.

No, I wasn't being contentious (this time), he was putting up Christmas lights.

But, this picture makes me think about the Biblical admonitions.

Men fight with their fists, women fight with their tongues.

Pr. 19:13, "And the contentions of a wife are a continual dripping."

Pr. 27:15, "A continual dripping on a very rainy day

And a contentious woman are alike."

Pr. 21:19, "Better to dwell in the wilderness,

than with a contentious and angry woman."

Wow. 

The Lord really understands women, right?

He also understands men.

1 Peter 3:1-2

"Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands,

that even if some do not obey the word, they,

without a word,

 may be won by the conduct of their wives,

when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.

Did you read that middle line?

Without a word.

Without.

A.

Word.

Men don't like to be nagged.
You don't win when you nag.
Oh, and it's coupled with submission.

Does that mean you never have a say?

No.

Our husbands married us because they admire our faith and our brains.

They want those faith and brains in action.

Does that mean you'll always win?

No.

Do you want to, anyway? 

Didn't you marry him because of his faith and brains?

We can't have the dripping faucet kinda' action.

Or the kind of action that sends him to the

21st century variation of the "corner of the house."

The action where you wisely state your opinion,

allow him to state his opinion,

then pray,

especially if your opinions differ,
until you have an agreed upon course of action.

We "win" when we
walk in the Lord's will as a couple.

We need to keep our husbands off the roofs.

It's safer inside, anyway.

**********
Want to read more about husbands?

Dad! That's Not the Way You Do That!

What if Daddy is Wrong?

Daddy's Way is Funner

What if Daddy Is Wrong?

Yesterday, we determined that Daddy's way is OK.  Daddy may use too many wipes, Daddy may put the sheets on the bed the wrong way, but as long as there is no harm, there is no foul.

Sometimes the problem isn't Mommy being too picky, too naggy or too much of a perfectionist,  and not allowing Daddy to function his way.  There are times when  Daddy is wrong in his decisions or actions.

Determination
Is it really wrong?

Are you using your standards or the Lord's?  If you're thinking about Daddy hanging the toilet paper the wrong way, please go back and read yesterday's post. Pray and meet me back here.

It's amazing. A young mother who thought she knew it all, I was soon humbled  by the realization that my husband was rarely wrong on issues that mattered.  He was in the Word, he prayed about his leadership in the family. Yes, he might be at work all day, but when he walked through that door, he could tell if I had been neglecting to instruct or discipline in areas such as whining or prompt obedience. He could also tell if I'd been nagging  the kids.  My initial responses were due to wounded pride and I wasn't open to encouragement to improve my parenting.  It wasn't Daddy that was wrong, it was me.

Direction

If you've determined he is wrong, don't point it out in front of the kids. Present a united front as a team, deal with issues behind closed doors  in a way that honors the Lord.  Like we tell our little ones, "God can hear you!"

If his parenting or housekeeping methods are causing you extra work, talk to him.  Just don't sound like his mother. Find a way to make it easier for him to follow protocol.

When approaching a  on a small issue, use the sandwich method. Like with a real meal, give thanks first, pray for your husband, pray about the issue, then discuss.
COMPLIMENT-CONCERN-COMPLIMENT

Be sincere in your praise and thankfulness, effort is as admirable as ability.  But, if he's throwing the laundry from the dryer into in the laundry basket  and causing you hours of ironing, it's necessary to work out a solution together.

Disagreement

Occasionally the kids ask something and Scott and I will answer at the same time, but disagree. 

If I have no serious opinion, I will laugh and remind the kids - Daddy has veto power.

If I have opinion, I respectfully give it.  If we have disagreed publicly, it's fine to work it out gracefully in public. My husband married me because he loves and respects me.  He wants my opinions and doesn't want me silently nodding and following any and every decision.  At this point, he still has veto power.

For serious disagreements that require more conversation, Scott and I take it offline.  I'm not trying to show the kids  I can snake my way through daddy's heart and get my own way, I'm trying to show them Daddy is approachable and will admit when he's wrong or when there's a better idea. I'm also showing  my willingness to lovingly submit when I don't agree, because he still has veto power.

The goal in resolving a disagreement is not to always get my way, or to let my husband always have his way, but to move the family in the Lord's way.

Deliverance

When there is serious spiritual concern about the spiritual leadership of your home, it can't be solved with a candid conversation between a husband and a wife or with a casual approach.

 

1.  Pray.  Tell the Lord instead of a friend.

2.  Pray some more. Remove your reactive sin before you approach his active sin.

3.  Pray until you pray. When you are grieved and understand your husband sins against a holy God and not against you, you might be ready to say something.

4.  Seek verses in the Scripture about the issue to make sure you have the mind of the Lord.

5.  Wait for the leading of the Holy Spirit if and when to bring up the conversation. Sometimes at this point I still pray, because I would rather have my husband changed by the Holy Spirit and not by my directive.

A conversation begun with these steps will have fruit, can bind your hearts closer together and impact your family.

Even when we're right about their behavior, if we pound on our husbands with self-righteous pride or give them ultimatums, we're wrong. Many times these steps  silence me before the Lord because I no longer see my husband's supposed error, I see mine. Other times, the Lord gives me patience to wait and watch Him work in my husband's life.  He's the One who began the good work, I can let Him finish.

A truly changed man is changed by the words of the Lord  and the faith of a praying wife, not the drips of a nagging wife. 

When I was young, we always bought shoes just a tish too big for "growing room."  It's not just kids' feet that need growing room, it's husbands. 

If you learn to wisely and correctly encourage your  husband when he's wrong, he'll not only increase in   praise and love for the Lord, he'll increase in  praise and love for you.

Truly Romantic

We celebrated Valentine's Day in our usual way, with the family gathered in the living room with the youngest child, Rebekah, passing out the messages of love from our special box.

In the early years, we made the traditional Valentine's box embellished with  hearts, glitter and stickers by the kids. About five years ago, I went for the idea of creating a lifetime family tradition - having a box we used year after year.  I decorate for this holiday and leave all the adorable hearts up for two more weeks, when we celebrate our wedding anniversary.

My husband fulfilled all my romantic ideals by buying flowers for me on Friday, so I  could enjoy them all weekend.

                                

But, on Valentine's Day, it wasn't that flowers that proved his love for me.  They were a beautiful reminder, and I was very appreciative.  Their sight and smell speak to me each time I walk by them.  I realized, though, that even if he hadn't purchased me the traditional dozen red long-stemmed roses, I would have still felt his powerful love for me.

I have learned to see his love in a million different ways throughout the week.

He has cooked for me almost every evening of my low-iodine diet.

He send me love messages during the day by email or by IM.

He senses my moods and acts accordingly to what I need - hugs, alone time, listening or talking.

He reads my blogs and says often, "This is the best one yet!"

He fathers the kids in a way that makes me love him more.

He reads his Bible so he can lead us in the paths of righteousness.

He prays for me.

He looks at me and I just know I am cherished.

The roses are a beautiful affirmation of what he daily proves, not a guilty purchase to make up for a day, a week, a month or a year of bad behavior.  They are never a guilt offering, they are a love offering.

But, it was this present that made me feel the most loved.

                                               

When one of crazy little monkeys had a sudden onslought of the stomach flu, and threw up all the way to the bathroom and all over the bathroom, he wiped it up.

Never in my wildest imagination, as a single woman longing for that Prince to sweep me off my feet, did I imagine wiping up vomit would be a qualitication for the Perfect Man.  My hubby even has held the bedpan for me as I puked my way through several hospital visits for cancer.

Single women - take note.  Can you imagine the guy you have your eye on wiping up vomit?  Hmmmm....maybe you should keep looking.

There is no wistful daisy-petal-pulling in my world - I only have to use one line from the poem.

He loves me.
He loves me.
He loves me.
He loves me.

And I love him, too.

Thank you for a special Valentine's weekend, honey!

In case you were wondering how I got that picture of the roses.

Guess I can never yell at the kids for standing on the dining room table again.

So, I'm starting a new week  focusing on the love my husband and I have for each other in the Lord.

Ecclesiastes 4:12, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

That's all I need to  pull me through another Monday and another week, ready and willing to accept whatever the week brings - a cord of three.

(Pop over to visit Nan on Making Your Home Sing Monday to see what other moms are doing to start the week off right.)

Of Course I Love My Husband - Part 2

Valentine's Day swirls our heads with thoughts of love and romance.  Sometimes the two go hand-in-hand, other times we confuse the two, or we confuse the role each one should play in our lives.

In this series on learning to Titus 2 love our husbands, Part 1 dealt with the issue of losing our love when our husbands don't meet our unrealistic expectations for them or when they can't perform that expected art of mind-reading.

Part two deals with a more serious and heartbreaking reason why women can lose their love for their husbands.  Some of my observations come from personal experience, others come from encounters with other couples we have counselled.

*We can lose our love when our husbands don't meet realistic expectations.


Husbands will fail. They are human.  This isn't a forum to expose our husbands failures, but to focus on our reactions to them.  There are times when husbands don't meet basic needs required by the Lord, the wife and/or society to make a happy marriage.  They might not be reading the Bible daily.   You might think they're putting work first.  They might not be leading the family in devotions as often as you would like. You might feel like you are doing all the parenting.  Some of these problems are one-sided, the husband may actually think he is doing a pretty good job in these areas. Or he may think that being a good provider and working hard is putting his family first.  It is a Biblical obligation, and while he views it as a win, the wife might view it as a failure because he isn't home often.  But, there might be times that last for hours, weeks, months or years when the wife has to face the lonely reality that her husband is not holding up his end of the marital bargain according to her standards, the Bible's standard and common sense.

This is the best time to pour out the love, not withhold it.  This is the time when your Biblical role as a "helpmeet" comes to test. Can you help him through this time? Can you endure?  Can you live your Christianity before him with joy? Can you discover the WHYS to his problems and help him overcome them?

Women can easily discern their husbands' failings, they aren't always good about discerning how to handle them.

Don't nag! 
We know this, we don't always follow through. Nagging just comes so naturally.
Judges 16:16, "With such nagging she (Delilah) prodded him day after day until he was tired to death."

I met a young mom with many undisciplined kids who immediately began talking nonstop about her husband.  As I kept trying to bring the focus more to her faith, she kept haranguing.  I was being verbally assaulted.  Somewhere in the middle, she angrily talked about how her husband worked many, many late nights.  Claiming she wanted to encourage him as a good Christian wife, she and the kids brought a meal to the office.  There was daddy, relaxing at his desk, watching a movie.  She was livid! I actually found myself secretly applauding his creativity in escaping the nagging.  I was worn down in a 15 minute conversation, he had to go home to her every night.

Although, Biblically, he should have just crawled up on the roof and lived.



Don't argue!
When you argue, you weaken your stand.  If you are right, arguing makes you appear wrong because of the way you approach the situation. Does it matter if you are right? Isn't your goal to help him become right?


Proverbs 27:15, "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day."
Save your energy for prayer.

Don't tell!
I was soon introduced to that women's sport called husband-bashing.  I worked at a bank and  breaks were filled with juicy stories of how stupid, selfish, and unromantic husbands were.  I started eating lunch alone to avoid this scene. 

My husband and I promised each other to never talk about one another, unless the issue was resolved and by mutual agreement we shared the situation to be a spiritual encouragement to other people. Just as I feel loved because I know he never shares those humiliating moments where I have failed as a wife, he knows his secrets are safe with me.

When I needed to talk, I only confided in older women I know do not gossip.  They are hard to find, so I didn't often talk to anybody but the Lord. People don't forget.  Long after your husband may have changed, he may still be viewed in the way you first portrayed him.

Even under the guise of a prayer request, revealing your husband's deepest weaknesses could be harmful.  Would you want him to go to the men's Bible study and say, "Hey, please pray for my wife.  She's really been a nag.  She's letting herself go, looks like a slob when I come home and she yells at the kids.  We just really need to bring her before the Lord."

Don't tell your children your husband's faults. Find honest things to praise him for in front of the kids, friends and family members.  Be real.

Once I was trying too hard and my husband stated, "You've been reading those marriage books again, haven't you?"

Don't turn to another man in any way!
It seems so obvious that it shouldn't have to be mentioned, but I've read about Christian affairs that have been started with "spiritual purpose."  A woman is not getting the fellowship she craves from her husband, so she starts talking to another brother about spiritual things.  A spiritual bond can lead to an emotional bond, which can lead to a physical relationship.   I am not saying do not have fellowship with brothers, I am cautioning you to guard your heart.

Some women just take this step in their imaginations, where they think about how spiritual other men are, what it would like to be married to a man like that. Do not covet even the noblest characteristics, even in your mind.

Do focus on yourself!
There are always cause and effect matters in relationships.  Are you causing any of his behavior?  Is there anything you need to change first? I am not advocating a husband's innocence in all matters, again, just a challenge to look inward before looking outward. If you have removed the beam, work on the speck.

If you shoot down all of his opinions, he may stop offering them.  A healthy discussion, where each side is received without scorn or ridicule, is important.

If you criticize the way he deals with the kids, he may find it easier to keep peace by not dealing with children. Sometimes men honestly think that since they can't do anything right at all, it is better to just do nothing.

Is your reaction so wrong, that it justifies his actions?  Be blameless.


Do pray!
Of course we know we should pray, but we need to pray very specifically about what we think our husband's failings our. It is better to tell the Lord so He can let us know if we are right or wrong, and then He can tell us how to proceed.

The Lord gave me this guideline early in our marriage.  Before I approached my husband with an alleged fault, I prayed about it three times.  By taking your concerns honestly before the Lord, you clear out your own selfish ambitions, your own critical spirit and your hidden agendas by holding them up to the light of the Savior.  Then, if you still feel led to speak, you are approaching as Esther did, with spiritual preparation.

It is unproductive to throw something like, "You just aren't being the spiritual leader" out in a fight.  Trust me, it doesn't work.

However, if after praying about it at LEAST three times, the Lord might lead you to pray through a portion of Scripture, to open up a discussion about each of your roles in marriage or lead you to be silent.  Maybe a more submissive and encouraging spirit would give freedom for leadership.  I can't give you the answer that will help specifically.  The Lord will reveal it if you are faithful to reading His Word and praying.

If you leave it with the Lord in prayer, you can't take it back with worry.

Do praise!
You married him for good reasons.  Remember those.  Appreciate those.

Do love!
If this blog is about older women teaching younger women how to love their husbands, you might be a bit frustrated that I would give a command instead of instruction.

The instruction is in the Word.  I Corinthians 13 is a perfect guideline for you to follow. The Lord will tell you how to apply this as you pray for each of these characteristics to be evident through your love as a wife.


PROMISE OF GOD:
I Peter 3:1, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives."

Husbands can be won over.  It may take hours, it may take days, it may take weeks, it may take months, it may take years.  Do you have the spiritual perseverance to believe the promise of God for your husband?

Are you excited about the make-over He is going to do in your life while you are waiting?

Just keep loving your husband, even when he doesn't meet realistic expectations.