Six Million Dollar Momma

I discovered this weekend that  Ann Crittendon, author of The Price of Motherhood,  put a price tag on motherhood - a million dollars.

That is the amount of money a stay at home mom (SAHM) will lose after only having one child by forfeiting a salary, stocks, retirement savings, pension and other benefits.

When I grew up there was a TV show called The Bionic Woman and she was the female version of The Six Million Dollar Man.

Since I have six kids, doesn't that make me a Six Million Dollar Woman?

I was astounded at the cost sacrificed for my career choice, Motherhood, but had I known this 23 years ago when I gave birth to child #1,  I wouldn't have made the decision any differently.

I don't stay home for financial reasons.

Although I home school and feel strongly about my children's education, and some statistics show children of SAHMs do better in school and in testing, I don't stay home for educational reasons.

I am a SAHM for two reasons. (follow link to previous post)



1. The Bible

Titus 2: 3-5

The aged women... teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,

To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.


I cannot reason these verses away. As a young single woman, I felt strongly about obeying the Lord and being a keeper at home when He granted me children. Since the Bible doesn't change, neither have my convictions.


2. I love my children and want to be with them.



I didn't read any books about the benefits of being a SAHM.  I don't need to justify myself or prove my value to others.

I can give my own statistics.

I was there when all six of my children rolled over for the first time, crawled for the first time, sat up for the first time and walked for the first time. I cheered like a maniac, never tiring of watching their accomplishments in life.

I marked their language progress with joy and great amounts of over-exaggerated lip movements as I tried to help them form their words more correctly.

I wore great amounts of baby food, milk and juice while teaching my children how to eat and eventually feed themselves. If I wear food now, it's slopped there with my own clumsy hands.

I was the one they wanted to tuck them in at night. I was the one who heard their secrets when they finally learned how to tell one.

All the firsts, except the naughty ones they got away with at the time, I WAS THERE.

I. was. there.


Yea, SAHMs may not always get a lot of adult interaction.

Yea, SAHMs may sometimes miss their career or wonder what they could have been had they stayed working.

Yea, SAHMs may sometimes be wiping up puke or washing the same dishes over and over and wonder why they went to college.

Yea, SAHMs may sometimes feel a little awkward about not having any of their "own" money to spend and/or a little guilty about not contributing to the bank account.

Yea, SAHMs may experience the typical frustrations, disappointments, shocks, trials and stresses that may make us doubt our value or our choice.

When I look in my kids' eyes, the windows to their precious souls, I know these light trials cannot shake me off the path of obedience.

Yes, it WAS a million dollar decision to stay at home with my kids, because you couldn't have paid me a million dollars to be away from them all day.

I value being a keeper at home because I value my children.

So, as I begin another new week, weak and weary from a trying year, I am thankful to remind myself why I am at home, as a SIX MILLION DOLLAR MOMMA.

*****

Needing to Make Your Home Sing this Monday? 

Pop over to Nan's blog and see how other Moms are beginning their week.

*****

Need some motivation this Monday?

Swing by the Fifth Street Mama's blog for a dose.

*****

What's Your Daughter Going to Do Now?

Sometimes, we Christian moms are criticized or questioned for the way we want to raise our daughters. Family members, friends, other Christians and total strangers love to give their input when we don't follow the traditional path of having our daughters move out at 18 and incur a huge debt to get a college degree.

 We want to teach our daughters Titus 2, to love their husbands, children, be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, and to seek the Lord in all things.  We think higher education is to be sought if/when directed  by the Lord, not mandatory for every woman to "have something to fall back on."  I loved college and I love learning, but I do not think it mandatory, nor do I think it wise to bring debt into a marriage.

From birth we raise our daughters  to be nurturing, daring to say, teach and believe that motherhood is a honorable career. Until that time, or if the Lord desires them to be single,  we encourage them to pursue their interests that will compliment  desirable and godly qualities in a woman. We are not always supported in this mindset.

Ironically, when secular women come to these conclusions on their own, they are praised.

Scenario #1 -On the internet I found a corporate lawyer who quit to become a creative, green seamstress. Her website quotes she was, "disenchanted with life as a corporate attorney, she yearned to get back in touch with her artistic side and use the right side of her brain again." Her work is beautiful, her creations unique and she has truly created a niche in the market that is very successful. We all applaud her -she is truly amazing.

But, imagine how that would be accepted from our end, as homeschooling mothers raising daughters.

"What's your daughter going to do now that she is graduated?"

"She's starting a home sewing business. She's just going to make purses."

"Oh. That's all?  She's not going to college?"

"No, we would love her to embrace her creativity, live in a home environment and be able to work without the stress of the work force."

"Oh, so she's NOT going to college? She has to get out into the world sometime! Won't she need something to fall back on?"

Most of us older moms have had these conversations. Most of us have stopped offering complete information about what our daughters are doing, because we don't want to hear the  scorn of the world when they find out we aren't "letting" our daughters venture out to live on their own when they turn 18.



Scenario #2 - In a toy store the other day, the clerk was more than delighted to help me find a toy I was looking for. She also freely offered that she had left corporate America for the peace of selling toys. She boasted that she never brings work home anymore. She is happier and healthier.

Imagine that from our lips.

"Is your daughter looking forward to having a corporate career?"

"No, my daughter just wants to bypass corporate America and  work for a toy store."

"OH."  Big sigh of disappointment.


Scenario #3 - Feminists have been disappointed in how many highly educated women are not in the work force. When women have children they want to be with them. It's that simple. Not all of these highly educated women plan to return to work after their children are in school. They like being home.



So, what is wrong with just teaching our daughters to stay at home from the beginning?  Why do women need to take the college/debt/disenchanted corporate road before taking the road to  fulfillment?
Instead of saying, "I am teaching my daughters to be Titus 2 women" I wonder if it would be more acceptable if I said, "I am teaching my daughters how to avoid the disenchantment of the corporate world and stay in touch with their artistic sides."

It doesn't really matter, I have learned long ago that when I was pregnant with my third child  -

(But you have the perfect family, a boy and a girl, why do you want more children?) -

I would not be winning any popularity contests with my convictions.


No praise about the wise financial decision of teaching them not to start their future in debt for more than we paid price of our first home.


No praise for allowing them to learn to save to buy their first car, learning how to develope a good credit rating or maintaining a successful financial budget.

No praise for supporting them as they pursue their interests and ambitions.

No praise for keeping them safe.

No praise for building closer relationships as they mature into an adults.

No praise for teaching them relationships are more important than careers, status or wealth.

But, I am not setting out to be popular or to trying to please people with my life.

I am aiming to be the kind of mother who raises her kids according to the Bible and pleases the Lord.

I am setting out to be faithful.



(This is not meant to be a discourse against college or working women.  This is merely a comparison of the scorn I have experienced for teaching a conviction and learning forward,  verses the admiration for gaining a conviction and learning backwards. )

Of Course I Love My Husband - Part 2

Valentine's Day swirls our heads with thoughts of love and romance.  Sometimes the two go hand-in-hand, other times we confuse the two, or we confuse the role each one should play in our lives.

In this series on learning to Titus 2 love our husbands, Part 1 dealt with the issue of losing our love when our husbands don't meet our unrealistic expectations for them or when they can't perform that expected art of mind-reading.

Part two deals with a more serious and heartbreaking reason why women can lose their love for their husbands.  Some of my observations come from personal experience, others come from encounters with other couples we have counselled.

*We can lose our love when our husbands don't meet realistic expectations.


Husbands will fail. They are human.  This isn't a forum to expose our husbands failures, but to focus on our reactions to them.  There are times when husbands don't meet basic needs required by the Lord, the wife and/or society to make a happy marriage.  They might not be reading the Bible daily.   You might think they're putting work first.  They might not be leading the family in devotions as often as you would like. You might feel like you are doing all the parenting.  Some of these problems are one-sided, the husband may actually think he is doing a pretty good job in these areas. Or he may think that being a good provider and working hard is putting his family first.  It is a Biblical obligation, and while he views it as a win, the wife might view it as a failure because he isn't home often.  But, there might be times that last for hours, weeks, months or years when the wife has to face the lonely reality that her husband is not holding up his end of the marital bargain according to her standards, the Bible's standard and common sense.

This is the best time to pour out the love, not withhold it.  This is the time when your Biblical role as a "helpmeet" comes to test. Can you help him through this time? Can you endure?  Can you live your Christianity before him with joy? Can you discover the WHYS to his problems and help him overcome them?

Women can easily discern their husbands' failings, they aren't always good about discerning how to handle them.

Don't nag! 
We know this, we don't always follow through. Nagging just comes so naturally.
Judges 16:16, "With such nagging she (Delilah) prodded him day after day until he was tired to death."

I met a young mom with many undisciplined kids who immediately began talking nonstop about her husband.  As I kept trying to bring the focus more to her faith, she kept haranguing.  I was being verbally assaulted.  Somewhere in the middle, she angrily talked about how her husband worked many, many late nights.  Claiming she wanted to encourage him as a good Christian wife, she and the kids brought a meal to the office.  There was daddy, relaxing at his desk, watching a movie.  She was livid! I actually found myself secretly applauding his creativity in escaping the nagging.  I was worn down in a 15 minute conversation, he had to go home to her every night.

Although, Biblically, he should have just crawled up on the roof and lived.



Don't argue!
When you argue, you weaken your stand.  If you are right, arguing makes you appear wrong because of the way you approach the situation. Does it matter if you are right? Isn't your goal to help him become right?


Proverbs 27:15, "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day."
Save your energy for prayer.

Don't tell!
I was soon introduced to that women's sport called husband-bashing.  I worked at a bank and  breaks were filled with juicy stories of how stupid, selfish, and unromantic husbands were.  I started eating lunch alone to avoid this scene. 

My husband and I promised each other to never talk about one another, unless the issue was resolved and by mutual agreement we shared the situation to be a spiritual encouragement to other people. Just as I feel loved because I know he never shares those humiliating moments where I have failed as a wife, he knows his secrets are safe with me.

When I needed to talk, I only confided in older women I know do not gossip.  They are hard to find, so I didn't often talk to anybody but the Lord. People don't forget.  Long after your husband may have changed, he may still be viewed in the way you first portrayed him.

Even under the guise of a prayer request, revealing your husband's deepest weaknesses could be harmful.  Would you want him to go to the men's Bible study and say, "Hey, please pray for my wife.  She's really been a nag.  She's letting herself go, looks like a slob when I come home and she yells at the kids.  We just really need to bring her before the Lord."

Don't tell your children your husband's faults. Find honest things to praise him for in front of the kids, friends and family members.  Be real.

Once I was trying too hard and my husband stated, "You've been reading those marriage books again, haven't you?"

Don't turn to another man in any way!
It seems so obvious that it shouldn't have to be mentioned, but I've read about Christian affairs that have been started with "spiritual purpose."  A woman is not getting the fellowship she craves from her husband, so she starts talking to another brother about spiritual things.  A spiritual bond can lead to an emotional bond, which can lead to a physical relationship.   I am not saying do not have fellowship with brothers, I am cautioning you to guard your heart.

Some women just take this step in their imaginations, where they think about how spiritual other men are, what it would like to be married to a man like that. Do not covet even the noblest characteristics, even in your mind.

Do focus on yourself!
There are always cause and effect matters in relationships.  Are you causing any of his behavior?  Is there anything you need to change first? I am not advocating a husband's innocence in all matters, again, just a challenge to look inward before looking outward. If you have removed the beam, work on the speck.

If you shoot down all of his opinions, he may stop offering them.  A healthy discussion, where each side is received without scorn or ridicule, is important.

If you criticize the way he deals with the kids, he may find it easier to keep peace by not dealing with children. Sometimes men honestly think that since they can't do anything right at all, it is better to just do nothing.

Is your reaction so wrong, that it justifies his actions?  Be blameless.


Do pray!
Of course we know we should pray, but we need to pray very specifically about what we think our husband's failings our. It is better to tell the Lord so He can let us know if we are right or wrong, and then He can tell us how to proceed.

The Lord gave me this guideline early in our marriage.  Before I approached my husband with an alleged fault, I prayed about it three times.  By taking your concerns honestly before the Lord, you clear out your own selfish ambitions, your own critical spirit and your hidden agendas by holding them up to the light of the Savior.  Then, if you still feel led to speak, you are approaching as Esther did, with spiritual preparation.

It is unproductive to throw something like, "You just aren't being the spiritual leader" out in a fight.  Trust me, it doesn't work.

However, if after praying about it at LEAST three times, the Lord might lead you to pray through a portion of Scripture, to open up a discussion about each of your roles in marriage or lead you to be silent.  Maybe a more submissive and encouraging spirit would give freedom for leadership.  I can't give you the answer that will help specifically.  The Lord will reveal it if you are faithful to reading His Word and praying.

If you leave it with the Lord in prayer, you can't take it back with worry.

Do praise!
You married him for good reasons.  Remember those.  Appreciate those.

Do love!
If this blog is about older women teaching younger women how to love their husbands, you might be a bit frustrated that I would give a command instead of instruction.

The instruction is in the Word.  I Corinthians 13 is a perfect guideline for you to follow. The Lord will tell you how to apply this as you pray for each of these characteristics to be evident through your love as a wife.


PROMISE OF GOD:
I Peter 3:1, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives."

Husbands can be won over.  It may take hours, it may take days, it may take weeks, it may take months, it may take years.  Do you have the spiritual perseverance to believe the promise of God for your husband?

Are you excited about the make-over He is going to do in your life while you are waiting?

Just keep loving your husband, even when he doesn't meet realistic expectations.

"I Wish I Made Enough Money….

….to stay at home with my children."



I was standing in the line of a grocery store in Kansas. I had just spent almost two hours shopping with my three little children, because I had a pile of coupons, a week of meals to make and $35 to spend.  It was the early 90's. Even with lower grocery prices, it wasn't a lot of money.

I STARED in disbelief. I couldn't believe her guilt would cause her to speak  with such sarcastic false humility without knowing my circumstances.

In a glance I noticed her heavily jeweled, manicured fingers, her expensive, matching (AND minus baby throw-up) clothing, her unscuffed high heels, nylons, her makeup, her purse. I took it all in. She might "need" to work, but I knew she spent a lot of money, if that one heavily accessorized outfit was any indication of her spending habits. She looked beautiful, but she wasn't happy.

I didn't want to blab my husband's salary out, but he was a teacher in a private Christian school and we were paying 1/4 of our salary to student loans. I was pretty sure our monthly salary was easily what they made in a week.

I polished my own fingernails.
My husband trimmed my hair and I had only 1 perm in 10 years.  (for the fashion of this decade, this was a sacrifice.)
I wore only hand-me downs and thrift store items.
I had never purchased anything new for my kids to wear at this point in my life.
I bought nylons once a year and washed them by hand to make them last.
I used the cheapest make-up and hair products I could find.
I sewed some of my kids' clothes from $1 a yard fabric.

I don't remember my exact words, but after processing the absurdity of her speculation, I let her know it was a spiritual decision to stay at home, not a financial one. I let her know we were choosing to raise our kids according to the Bible.

The cashier was a little more honest as she entered the conversation about my SAHM status.

"I don't stay at home with my kids, cuz I couldn't stand to. I mean, I love my kids, but they drive me crazy. When they're home at the holidays, I can hardly wait until they go back to school. But, you're a much more patient person, that's good that you stay at home with your kids. You're such a good mom."

I didn't stay at home because I was patient, either, although I appreciated her kind comment.

I have always been a Stay At Home Mom because I believe the Bible teaches it.

As a new believer, 18 and in college, I was searching for all those big answers in life. I remember rejoicing to discover that the Bible covered topics such as marriage, parenting, worrying, working and church structure. I diligently searched for answers, and the Lord graciously had already supplied them. It gave me guidance for decisions concerning my future.

Titus 2:3-5
"The aged women ... teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed."

As much as that woman's comment went deep into my soul, I wasn't angered, I was offended, I wasn't defensive. I was sad for her.

I also stay at home because I love my kids and want to be with them.

All those sacrifices were, and continue to be,  worth it. I NEVER look back and think about what I couldn’t buy, the plain food we ate, or the inexpensive clothing we wore. The Lord provided sufficiently and we were joyously happy in the Lord's work and content with what He had provided.
I look back and cherish holding those babies.  I remember staring in their precious little faces, trying to imprint it on my mind and heart, knowing that each day they changed and grew.

I cherish being the one to see every first in their life.

I cherish the sweet memoring of playing with them, sleeping in tents with them, and teaching them them to craft, to cook, to sew, to paint, to create, to read, to garden, to ride a bike, jump rope, do a cartwheel, play games, cut with scissors...

I hugged and kissed  them every day. I looked into their eyes. I talked to them about the Savior. I read the Bible to them. I read books to them.

I cherished them.

Now, I cherish the memories when they were young and sometimes weep that those busy years are now fleeting memories.  When I see a young mom with all her little ones filling up her grocery cart, I am a little wistfully jealous.  I miss those years, because I loved being with all my children.
Today, I wonder about  that jeweled woman, who spoke with bitter jealousy, and what memories she revisits.

Somehow, I think she also looks back on her life  and weeps.

But, my heart tells me,  her tears are tears of regret.

"Lord, I just pray for this dear woman who impacted my life and heart so many years ago. I long for her to have peace and joy and slavation.  I ask you to comfort her, to hear her cries and answer her prayers.  Bless her, Lord.  Amen."




This blog is joining the list of bloggers participating in  Motivate Me Monday sponsored by The Fifth Street Mama.  Stop by and get motivated by other Blommies! 

Mommas Eat Cold Food

As a single woman, I viewed motherhood through rose colored glasses, imagining adorable, fresh-smelling cooing babies, in cute outfits. I imagined holding them, kissing them, changing them, singing to them, teaching them about Jesus.

I never imagined losing sleep while holding a crying baby.

I never imagined the real smell of that adorable child,  who ejected vile fluids from all bodily openings.

I never imagined rarely eating a warm meal for over a decade.

My first rude awakening into the true challenges of parenthood came soon after I married Scott.  We invited Tom and Jaci to dinner, a  couple the Lord used as a godly example in the early years of our marriage and parenting.  The entire meal, Jaci spent time cutting meat and feeding the toddler, while holding the squirming baby on her lap. Tom had to leave the table to discipline and to take the toddler poddy.

When the toddler was fed, the baby needed to be nursed.  By the time the rest of us were done with our meal, Jaci's meal was still on her plate, cold. The gravy had congealed on her mountain of mashed potatoes.  We didn't have a microwave to rewarm the meal, but she didn't care.  Her babies were happy, so she was happy.  She ate the whole plate of food cold, with a smile on her face, graciously complementing me and thanking me for the meal.

I never got that visual out of my mind, nor her sweet spirit in serving her children at personal expense.  Her example was a shining beacon for  my next two decades of interrupted and cold meals.

When we arrived Christmas Day, my daughter and her husband had a wonderful ham dinner prepared.

We all sat down and devoured the meal, laughing, passing and making new holiday memories...

...while Jana sat on the couch feeding baby Bubba...with a smile on her face.

When Jaci cared for her children that evening 23 years ago,  I know she wasn't thinking that she was displaying her faith to profoundly influence my mothering. She also wasn't thinking that I would tell my children about her impactful example.  In fact, if I were to get in touch with her and relate this pivotal moment to her, I am pretty sure she wouldn't even remember the situation.  Jaci was just serving the Lord as a joyful mother of children.

When we think of the admonition in Titus 2 for older women to teach younger women, we think of women's Bible studies, radio programs or well-known authors who come through town to talk about their latest book on parenting.  These things can be blessing, but I think we are most impacted by those quiet moments where we watch older believers living their faith before us.

It's also a solemn admonition that our quiet moments of parenting  might be a living sermon to younger moms who are

watching,

learning,

and imitating.

Jaci preached a sermon for 23 years in my heart by being a Mommy who ate cold food.

Sisters, what sermon are we preaching with our lives?