When Words Fail

I have sat at my computer for over an hour, thinking and praying and trying to articulate what I need to share.

There is nothing.  I am just very, very tired.  I'm not checking for spelling and grammar and sentence structure.  I need to just type.

Today I had the sad job of telling each of my six children, my parents and some of my five siblings, that my cancer has returned. I was too emotionally exhausted to finish the phone calls tonight, I will finish tomorrow.

After being told I was in remission for the first time in five years, I enjoyed November, December and part of January off. 

The bloodwork January 12th showed some things to cause concern.  The January 29th PET scan proved it.  They found three new lumps of cancer on the right side of my neck.  They weren't there three months ago.  I was initially told that thyroid cancer is the slowest growing cancer.  Mine was slow growing at first.  The game is changing.

But, before the results came out, I knew.  The Lord told me.  He has told me each time and prepared my heart and mind so that I am not shocked.  I am just wait for the doctor to confirm what the Spirit has already revealed.

Somehow, knowing that I have heard that still small Voice, and that it WAS His, takes away some of the sting of the message.  How I longed to know what that meant when I was first saved over 25 years ago!  I longed for that maturity, that intimacy I saw in older believers.  Now, I understand what it takes to draw so near to His Precious bleeding side, to lean in and hear that Voice that He whispers in my heart and mind.

Today my day could have been recorded as an unbelievable sitcom.

I was blessed to have my high school friend, Janet, and her hubby Tom, arrive this weekend from North Dakota.  I was enjoying coffee in my jammies this morning while they sat at my kitchen table.  The kids were slowly pulling out school and getting on with our new week.

As if I had to apologize for my lax behavior, enjoying my company, I said to Janet, "I can't believe it.  It is 9am on a Monday and I am still in my jammies.  I NEVER do this."

Ding-dong.

I could have received an Emmy for perfect comedic timing.

It was Shannon.  She was coming to inspect the wood my dishwashwer ruined.  I dashed to get dressed while she walked around my crowded kitchen with a clipboard.  We talked.

Ding-dong.

Bethany's friend came to pick her up.

Ding-dong.

David and buddy come to fix the hole in Beth's ceiling that my dishwasher ruined when it leaked.

Meanwhile, I was trying to held the kids with school, answer several phone calls, put dinner in the crock,  make breakfast and clean it up, talk to my company and try to finish at least 1/2 cup of coffee before it got cold.

By the time the doctor called me with the news, I was almost relieved to have a moment's peace.

But, even though I had a few moments of laughter today, enjoyed the craziness and busyness of  being surrounded by people I love, I still had a few moments where I just went to my room and enjoyed the relief tears can bring.  I don't try to hide all  my tears in false humility, as if I am too strong to cry.  Of course I cry.  I have cancer.  But, sometimes, they are tears of worship, of acceptance and of surrender. They are for the Lord to capture in His bottles.

I found the hymn "The Unseen Hand" by Marty Stuart on UTube and praised the Lord as I sang along.  I felt His presence.

This all happened by noon.  I am too tired to write about the second half of the day.

I laughed to my sister-in-law Nita on the phone as I related the order of the day,  "I don't even have time to find out I have cancer!"  Our house can be pretty crazy most of the time.  Sometimes I wonder how the Lord thought I had time for cancer, but I have long learned to trust His workings in my life.  As a type A person, I was more stretched to be tested in the area of scheduling and time than personal suffering.  Cancer was NOT on My List of things that needed to be done and scratched off with satisfaction.

So, once again, I am arranging my heart, home and schedule to accomodate the plans of the Lord.

I began a low iodine diet today.  I will receive a thyroid uptake scan with a small amount of radioactive material on February 19th. If my cancer does take in the radioactive material, the cancer will be able to be treated with a higher dose of radioactive material. 

If the cancer cells decide not to take in the thyroid laced with RAI, I will have to have them surgically removed.  We are praying RAI will work, so that I can avoid another surgery.

I remember reading Richard Wurmbrand's book, "Tortured for Christ" years ago.  After reading through the horrors of his 14 years of imprisonment I thought he would be overjoyed to be released.  Instead, he felt the keen loss of the presence of the Lord that had upheld him during his years in prison.

I have carried that thought with me for years, pondering it.  As much as I don't like cancer, I didn't have it in the plans for my life, without it, I might not have experienced the presence of the Lord as I have or learned to hear His Voice.

Today, I found out I had cancer for the third time.

Today, I felt the presence of the Lord.

Tomorrow, I am going to wake up with new mercies, unseparated from His love, and upheld by the faithful prayers of the saints.

Thank you for adding your prayers for me to your day.  As you pray, worship and give thanks.

He is so worthy!