How to Torture a Teenager

(Names are not used to protect the guilty.)

I had to run errands with all the kids still living at home. Had to. I had to take the older kids because they needed to go to the bank. I had to take the younger kids because I had no babysitter.

I found myself stuck in a mini-van in rush hour traffic at 4pm with 4 kids that needed to eat and/or sleep and/or be duct-taped to a tree, as their father likes to threaten in moments of mocking exasperation.

The oldest child was in the front seat, using her electric seat function as a form of torture on her younger teenage sister. She would move the seat all the way back, crowding the territory of her longer-legged sibling. When the screaming, protesting and smacking of the seat was sufficient, she would move the seat forward. Then, like a child, she would repeat this maneuver over and over.

The only boy in the van was paying the consequences (or rather, WE were) for eating way too much sugar at prayer meeting the night before. It was the worst case of SBD's I have ever encountered, despite growing up with three milk-guzzling lactose-intolerant brothers.

For those who weren't privileged to grow up with brothers, SBD stands for SILENT BUT DEADLY, the worst flatulation known to womankind. I was hanging my head out the open window in the pouring PNW rain, trying not to hurl, but, literally gasping for fresh air and trying to rid my nose of the putrid smell that probably burned out what precious few nose hairs had survived my traumatic childhood. Like a morning sickness flashback, I was dry heaving over the side of the mini-van, while wondering if the 5-year old daughter stuck in the backseat with him was going to have permanent brain damage.

To the annoying beep-beep of his Gameboy, the boy was kicking the seat ahead of him in perfect syncopation, annoying his sister with every sensory faculty available to him.

My dear younger teenage daughter was being tormented from the front and from behind, so she did what any good teenager would do - started yelling. She was threatening to throw the Gameboy out the window and threatening the older teenage sister ahead of her. The cacophony of yelling, giggling, gasping for fresh air and fart cliques (he who smelt it dealt it! he who makes the rhyme committed the crime) was a symphony of insanity.

I was in the hot seat, literally, because the oldest teenage daughter kept turning on the seat-warmer on high and cranking up the heat so she could make me think I was having a hot flash, which they all think is hysterical.

So, I did what any good mother would do. I carefully modulated my discipline. I ruled out spanking, ruled out cutting off their allowances (they don't get one anyway), I ruled out extra chores.

I simply reached over, shut off the seat warmer, AGAIN, turned on the radio and CRANKED the classical music. The louder they protested, the louder I turned it up. Because I was still hot-flashing, the window was rolled all the way down so we were the center attraction in rush-hour gridlock.

We drove this way the rest of the way home, four kids yelling and ducking in embarrassment, and the mom serenely driving her minivan, thumping the steering wheel in time to the most beautiful sound in the world.

Revenge.

(originally published 3-8-09)

Teenagers Need Sleep

I have often heard that teenagers need more sleep than infants.

Experts rank their need at a minimum of 9 hours,

and a maximum of about 11.

Let's choose ten hours, a nice round number, 

right in the middle of the varied expert opinions.

If they go to bed at 10, they should sleep until 8am.

If you want to get them up at 7am,

you'd have to put them to bed at 9pm.

Yea, right.  My second grader hardly gets to bed by 9pm,

I can't imagine trying to  get the teens to bed this early.

I don't even want to go to bed this early!

I have now been the mother of teenagers for over ten years,

totally agree and understand this need for sleep.

After a few years of struggling against the tide,

I realized if I let them sleep in a little longer,

they worked harder and were done earlier with school.

The earlier they started, the longer it took.

I decided instead of just studying about how many hours of sleep they needed,

we would count it Health class and make sure they were getting enough sleep.

Even as I say this, I feel like I have to defend myself as a

homeschooling Mom who decides to swim against the current.

I felt bad, knowing the public high school kids started much earlier,

until I read articles  like this one about how these students struggled.

"The eyes are open, but the brains are asleep," says Mary Carskadon, director of chronobiology at E.P. Bradley Hospital in Rhode Island and a professor in the psychology and human behavior department at Brown University School of Medicine. "This (8am class) is not a time of day when teenagers can be reasonably expected to participate in class."

So, I can cast out my guilt, and let my teens sleep in to a reasonable time as needed.

(taken at a fabric store)

Cuz teens need more sleep than babies, ya' know.

*****

Psalm 4:8

 I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;

For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Bad Parents, Bad Kids

I have learned this depressing little secret about parenting.  It was succinctly expressed in a comment after a blog on parenting.

"Bad Parents, Bad Kids."

The opposite thought is not as common.


When kids do something right, the world rarely gives the parent credit.


People rarely watch kids excel at sports and faun over the great genes the parents' donated to their success.

People rarely see an excellent musician and praise the parents for spending much time and money investing in lessons and instruments.

People rarely see a well-behaved child in public and praise their parents for doing such a good job.

People rarely see an academically gifted student and give their parents credit for helping with (nagging them to do) homework, providing educational experiences and providing opportunities to pursue their passions.

It's as if the child is completely responsible for their own successes, whether they are 5, 9 or 18.  Like evolution, it just happened.  They just catapulted to success because they are just really, really gifted, naturally polite and wonderful.

When impressive children are featured in the news, parents and their contributions to the success of their child are rarely mentioned.


But, see a kid go bad, and the world points all fingers at the parents.

New technology capabilities enable readers to post comments after news stories.  The comments break my heart. As soon as a young person is in trouble, the comments rage against the child's parents.

A few examples posted after a news article today,

"Its [sic] to [sic] bad that the parents of all those kids didnt [sic] do a better job of raiseing [sic] them. What kind of people are they? Mindless idots [sic] would be my first guess. Dont [sic] try and tell me the parents didn’t  know what was going on with their kids either. DUH!!"

"One can only imagine what this ****s parents are like. It makes me sick. If you are not able to care for your children, then give them to someone who will or stop having children."


Yes, I know there are some bad parents. I know ALL parents make mistakes they regret.  I know there are some parents who do teach their children to do illegal things, whether by their example or their instruction. This girl was charged with gang related murder.  I can believe her parents made serious mistakes, but I don't  think they taught her to murder.

But, this same condemnation is freely extended to parents of all types of bad behavior.  When a kid in the grocery store pitches a fit, it is assumed it is because the parent is a bad parent.  It may be the first tantrum and it may well be the last, but judgement is cast.

When a teenager gets into some of those troubles that teens do, it can be assumed it is because of the "bad" parents.

In a blog mentioned in the introduction,   a mother was boasting how great the teenage years were with her teen and that she didn't know what all the negative hype about teenagers was about. I was happy for her, but she had one very young teen who had only been in high school one year. She hadn't been fully faced with all the temptations and trials known to these troubled years. I grieved for this mom, because often when parents go into those teen years blind and proud, they are sideswiped with problems because they couldn't see them coming.  They missed the telltale signs because they were too busy patting themselves on the back.

It was after this blog I read the gut-jolting line,  "Bad Parents, Bad Kids."

I just can't agree with that philosophy. I have seen how time and time again the parents will raise all their children the same, yet one will choose to lead a life of ungodly rebellion, choosing to participate in sins their parents did not practice or promote.  I see people who were raised in ungodly, abusive homes who choose to accept Jesus Christ and become a new creature, forsaking those family sin patterns.

We have free will. Parents make choices. Kids make choices.

As Christian parents, we can't listen to those worldly voices and seek approval of the world for our parenting.  Our goal is to raise our kids with the Bible, showering them with the love, grace, mercy, instruction and wisdom the Lord has bestowed upon us.

When a child may have a truly "bad" parent, one that is not following the Bible, they still have the opportunity to grow up and choose to be different. They can choose to be "good" with the grace and strength from the Lord.  They cannot use their upbringing for an excuse to sin.  They can move out and move on.  (I don't say this lightly.)

When a child may have a "good" parent, one that chooses to follow the Bible, they still have the opportunity to grow up and choose to be different. They can choose to be "bad" and forsake the words of Life. But, they will  be help accountable for the knowledge they were given and the path they were offered.

As a parent, we are totally responsible to do the best job we have the capability of doing with every aspect - physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Despite our attempts, we cannot guarantee that our children will choose to follow what they have been taught.  They might turn out better.  Then we give the Lord glory. They might turn out worse. Then, we search our hearts, confess any sin, and seek the Lord's wisdom to continue parenting in a way to win them back to Him.

It gets down to this.
We NEED to pray.

We need to choose to be godly, Biblical parents.  They need to choose to be godly, Biblical people.

Parents choosing Jesus.  Kids choosing Jesus.

That's really what  parenting is about.

Children Growing OLDER with ODOR

The scent of a newborn baby is my favorite scent in the world. That indescribably delicious scent fills my nostrils with sweetness and makes me wonder why I don't have another one of those things around. I see one and I want to SNIFF, but I know mothers would freak out if I stuck my nose into their infant seat for a satisfying whiff. If I close my eyes, I can conjure up that scent in my mind, along with a symphony of memories of wonderment, pure joy and worship to the Lord who greatly blessed us with six of those highly scented wonders.

At first, that smell was marred only when they begin spitting up. Urp can be putrid, especially if you are wearing it. You're aghast that one so sweet can burp themselves into the nauseating realm on a scale of smells.

To keep my babies smelling sweet, I bathed them daily and if I couldn’t, I'd wash their hair with Baby Mennen, the next best baby smell. If I had a projectile -urping baby, I carried extra clothing, sometimes even for myself.

This epic time of pure sweet-smellingness lasts only until they begin to consume anything other than breast milk. The moment their bowels begin churning out these other substances, their stool begins to smell. Ewww.

To combat this, I changed diapers as soon as they pooped. For blow-outs up to the ears, I skipped wipes (I couldn’t afford to use 1/2 box at a time, anyway) and held them under warm running water in the bathtub. It cleaned them, soothed them and washed their smell down the drain. I tied the most offensive diapers in bags before throwing them away, often taking them straight outside to the garbage can.

After 2 or 3 years of living, children's breath begins to smell, especially if they are having nasal or sinus issues. You are amazed when your little toddler wakes up in the morning, runs in for an early morning start-the-day-right hug and knocks you over with their breath.

I began brushing their teeth and tongue more out of self-defense than out of hygienic motivation. You want to avoid involuntarily shrinking back when they cuddle up to tell you yet another fantastic toddler tale or smear your face with kisses.

Somewhere, in the years of pre-teens, their feet begins to stink, especially boys. The odor can be so rank, you wonder if this is the actual creature you gave birth to.

Our first arrival to this stage led us to a life-long indebtedness to the company who makes Odor-Eaters. Sometimes, the offending footwear remained outside the front door. We took out removable insoles and washed them, sprayed various things inside the shoes, threw out shoes and wondered how we would ever survive this stage. You become consumed with the content of sock material (dotton is CRUCIAL) and shoe material (vinyl is VILE).

When armpits begin to stink, you know you are entering the painful years of development. Perspiration stinks, stains clothing, embarrasses your children, and is just plain icky.

You beg them to bathe daily. Deodorant becomes everybody's best friend and you spend a lot of money on body care items to keep your teen's body from smelling and to ease their suffering during this stage.

The next stage of smelly development is the hardest one to deal with. It may simultaneously occur with any of the two previous stages, or alone in a grand finale of growth. At this stage, the final unpleasant odor you need to deal with is their STINKY ATTITUDE. It can flare up occasionally, or raise its raucus head for years.

This is combated with infinite patience, love, understanding. You bathe them in prayer and wash them in the Word, desiring they will be able to stand before the Lord spotless, without stain, and unblemished. The desired goal is that children mature and begin washing themselves in the Word and bathing themselves in prayer.

When this is achieved, the odor of children can enhance worship in Heaven. In Revelation 5:8 the 24 elders are worshipping the Lamb of God and are holding bowls of incense. The incense is the prayers of the Christians.

Their odorcan also become a sweet savor of Christ to the world around them.

2 Corinthians 2:15 "To God we are the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing."

When they get to this stage, the PARENTS will be filling bowls of incense, with prayers of worshipful relief and joy.

It's like the child has returned to that sweet-smelling stage of a newborn; that perfect smell that fills your nostrils with sweetness and wonderment.

You know, that is my favorite smell in the world.

Anything You Say and Do, Can Be Blogged Against You

I have another new form of punishment and torture for my children – the internet. Now that they know that I know how to blog, and do, they are under constant scrutiny to provide the next fodder for my cyber-soliloquy. I even carry a small notebook in my purse, and doodle random actions and exclamations, and keep a running Word document on my youngest child.

For years I have attempted to journal the comical things they say and do on my daily calendar, or in small notebooks for each child. But, who can keep two decades of calendars? The notebooks were read and re-read so many times the pages fell out. So, now I have the means of chronicling their lives and not only broadcasting it to a much wider audience, I can have it preserved forever

– as long as my hard-drive doesn’t crash (again)
-as long as I remember to backup my computer
-as long as someone doesn’t spill milk on my computer (again)
-as long as I remember yet another password

Now, when I hear bickering, I pull out my notebook, not always so discretely, and begin writing. If I don’t have a notebook, I grab a napkin or a scrap piece of paper. When they notice the writing, they sometimes begin to elevate their diction to a level of acceptability.

Sometimes, I may just casually ask, “What did you just say? I’m not sure I got that right?” with hands posed industriously with pen or keyboard, and they give me THE LOOK. We all know THE LOOK. All kids use THE LOOK on their parents. It is when their eyebrows and lips morph into the expression that quietly shouts both “What are you thinking?” and “Are you really my parent?”

Then I give them the PARENT LOOK back. We all know the PARENT LOOK. All children have seen the PARENT LOOK after they have dared question the superior wisdom and authority of their parental unit. It is the look when the eyebrows raise and the lips barely smirk, and we are quietly and victoriously shouting back,
“Yes, I AM thinking” and
“Yes, I AM your parent” but it adds,
“And if you don’t behave better, I am going to wear leopard stretch pants or a sweater with beads, mirrors and sequins sewed all over it the next time I take you out in public…and THEN I am going to blog you. Because, remember,

Anything you say and do,
can be blogged against you.