SH!!! Mom's on the PHONE!

Why is it that by the time I figure out the rules of parenting,

it's too late to apply them?

Too late schmart,

I will share my late-bloomed wisdom with you.

Arencha' lucky?

For years I maintained the rule,
"You come when I call.

I will only call once."

Sometimes, my kids were hard of hearing,

other times they were hard of obeying.

It took diligence and discipline to train them to come when I called

the

first

time.

The rule saves yelling.

It saves getting annoyed.

It saves time.
It teaches prompt and pleasant obedience.
(It teaches Mommy to be pleasant, too.)

If you can train a dog to heal,

shouldn't you be able to train a child to come?

The other day I was on the phone.

It was an important call.

It was another adult with a writing opportunity.

It was the kind of call that mandates silence in the background.

The kind where you want the kids on another planet.

It never happens that way, does it?

The importance of the call only escalates the noise level 

and the proximity of the kerfuffle to your phone.

They're just suddenly there and loud

and there in your face

and there under your face
and there breathing unbrushed-teeth breath in your face.

Then, they become blind.

They can't see your pointing fingers,

your eyes boring holes in their scalps,
your eyebrows creating one angry-unibrow,

your lips over-exaggerating threats you'll never carry out.

They know they have you captive.

You have to be nice,

you're talking to another grown-up.

So, my inspired genius occurred while I was hearing

thumping and wacking up and down the hallway outside my bedroom.

I know the sound of sibling smacking sibling,

I know the sound of fake cries to get the sibling in trouble,

I know the sounds of hushed, forced apologies,

as the tale-bearing, heel-thumping, self-righteous indignation
pounds closer and closer to my door.
I know the sounds of whispered yells,
"SH!  Mom's on the PHONE!"
projected at greater decibals than the original infraction.

This is when I realized my utter failure.

 I instructed and disciplined,

training them to come when I called the first time.

What I should have done,
is picked up the phone instead of calling them,
holding it in my never-manicured hand,
knowing they would come running
and breathe their unbrushed-teeth breath in my face.

Next, I should have whistled

and made them stand at attention like those Von Trapp kids.

Then
and
only then
should I have made my phone call.

Oh,  I'm too late schmart.