This title came into my heart as I was waiting for an important phone call. I was a little anxious, I have to admit, and thought of that cliche, "on pins and needles." That's the human side of me. But, in my heart, I quickly added "peace", because whenever I feel that anxiety begin to fill my heart or flutter in my tummy, I have learned to pray until I have peace. The Lord always offers it graciously, unsparingly, lovingly, I just don't always take Him up on His offer.
Why such anxiety over a phone call? It's from a my new endocrinologist who is making serious decisions concerning my health and testing for the return of my papillary thyroid cancer...the dreaded "C' word. It puts terror in many of our hearts and minds. We ALL have experienced it personally or with someone we love.
That's why Philippians 4:7 is such an amazing verse. Paul writes, "And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
It goes beyond human understanding that we could face difficult experiences with peace, but this is only possible through the Lord Jesus. I had my thyroid and many lymph nodes removed in June of 2005 and went through Radioactive iodine treatment in August of 2005. It was followed by six months of a very high dose of artificial thyroid hormone, a stage the doctors call Hyper Hell. Within six months, small lumps began growing again on the right side of my neck where the cancer had originally spread. About a year ago, lumps appeared on the left side of my neck, along with thyroid antibodies in my blood. The doctor had no answers for me, always told me to come back in six months. I've had over three years of pins and needles, prayers and peace.
Last week, after the initial visit and blood work with a new endocrinologist, I woke up early one morning and my first thoughts were what is possibly ahead. The cost is greater now for me to count - I have experienced the surgery and the rai - I KNOW what I might have to go through. I began to cry. Not a cry of huge remorse or anger at the Lord, just a little cry of resignation, knowing it could be a hard road ahead. I cried out to the Lord and my prayers felt like arms reaching up to my Father.
I felt His presence, I felt His peace. I knew I could handle the path ahead, because He was with me.
As I recently visited with a new friend, who lost her husband to cancer only five agonizing months ago, we talked about this. I wept and told her, "How can I ever regret cancer, when I have felt His Presence so closely in ways I never had before?" She agreed, speaking of the same Presence she and her husband had shared in his final 3 1/2 years of life.
So, I am waiting. The doctor said he would call "soon." I think we have a different definition of soon, it is now 15 days since my appointment. While I am waiting, I am turning those pins and needles into prayers and peace, because the Lord promised me "peace that passes understanding." I choose to believe Him.