Why Mommies Get Angry - Understanding the Sin Nature

Following up on the blogs of Mommy temper tantrums and defining Biblical anger, I'd love to touch on some insight on what makes Mommies angry.

I know, unfortunately, because I have struggled through the years, praying, confessing and desiring to overcome.  In all these things, I sought the Lord and His Word, and He has given me any wisdom and any victory I have experienced.

The primary reason I got frustrated and reacted wrongly in  anger when the children were younger, was because I didn't understand the sin nature of children.  Yes, I was completely convinced of the Biblical position that all children were born into sin, but I didn't understand the daily practice of that sin nature.

Somehow, I had this twisted idea that the better Christians my husband and I were, the better our children would be.  I was not understanding that their very nature would entice them to lie, bite, steal, cheat, fuss, whine, beg, disobey, just like every other child in the world.  My children didn't have any different nature, the difference would be in how I handled their sin.

After one particularily exasperating day, I was between boiling in anger and melting in tears when my husband came home from work.  He is an emotionally calm man, and doesn't ride the mountains and valleys as I do. He listened to my tales of all the horrible things his kids did and my disbelief over their naughtiness. (Aren't they always his when they're naughty?)

Looking at this picture 15 years later,

I am amazed they ever frustrated me.

They are so sweet and beautiful!

He looked at me, smiling with a nonchalant attitude, and said, "They're just doing their job.  They're sinners.  Sinners sin."

It was a life-changing moment.  I had expected my kids to be good instead of expecting them to be sinners.

We train them to  "good" and obey until the Holy Spirit takes over that work in their lives when they trust Jesus as their Savior. We can expect them to learn to obey and submit, but we must understand their very nature causes them to sin. We aren't teaching them to be "good" for our sake, we must teach them what behaviors please the Lord, careful not to make them think their behavior earns favor with God.  We offer our lives to Him, because He offered His Son for us.

Later, parenting saved children, we need to understand the nature of the old man, and teach them to walk in the power of the spirit of the new man.  We cannot expect them to be perfect Christians just because they are saved and have been raised in the church.  Our teaching/discipling is a lifetime committment to our children.

If their job is to sin, our job is to teach them how NOT to sin.

My ability to overcome my own sin became the primary focus, concentrating on my testimony before them and my example to them. My purpose in reading the Bible and praying became even clearer and stronger, as this was a spiritual battle for their souls I did not want to lose.

Dealing With Temper Tantrums - Part Two

Identifying Anger

Yesterday, I introduced the topic of temper tantrums, not in children, in mommies. 

To correctly deal with tantrums, we need to have a Biblical definition and understanding of anger.

We think of anger as getting mad. This is only partially true.  In the Bible, it is referring to a strong feeling against sin; a righteous judgement against sin.  Anger is not a sin, uncontrollable anger is. Correct anger has a cause.

The Scriptures don't tell us NOT to get angry, the Lord Jesus expressed anger, as it related to his grief over sin. 

Mark 3:5

And when He had looked round about on them with anger,

being grieved for the hardness of their hearts,

The Lord Jesus acted in righteous anger when He removed sin from the Temple. It wasn't a quiet scene that day, with animals bleating and stampeding, the coins and tables flying through the air.

John 2:15

And when he had made a scourge of small cords,

he drove them all out of the temple,

and the sheep, and the oxen;

and poured out the changers’ money,

and overthrew the tables;

The Bible tells us how and when to be angry.

Ephesians 4:26

Be angry, and sin not:

let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

Incorrect anger needs to be removed.

Colossians 3:8

But now you yourselves are to put off all these:

anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth. 

Need help in judging what anger needs to be removed?  Look at the companions of incorrect anger, malice, blasphemy, and filthy language. We might not be spouting off foul words, but we might use unkind, harmful  or damaging words.

Understanding the Biblical definition of anger, let's apply this to parenting.  Correct anger would be used to judge our children's sin. It would also be correct to be angry when someone else sins against our children or exposes them to sin. We can be angry at situations or people that blaspheme the Lord Jesus Christ. 

The error comes in how we handle the anger. Used correctly, anger is discerning and wise, desiring only the best for our own spiritual lives and the lives of others around us.

Pray for spiritual understanding as you study the passages in Scripture that deal with anger.

 Ask for wisdom as you parent, so that you will know how to be angry, but sin not.

Dealing With Temper Tantrums - Part One

Sometimes, there is obvious anger.  There will be name-calling, door-slamming, yelling and lashing out at others.  It is easy to spot, hard to subdue, but easily recognized as sin. It is a kettle boiling over,  you relieve the pressure, clean up the mess, and dinner can still be saved.

Anger can be displayed as frustration, with exagerated sighs, fidgeting movements, curt replies and distraction.  It can be harder to identify as sinful anger, but easier to subdue with laughter or diversion.  It is the kettle boiling near the top, you lower the temperature and all is well.  If you don't lower the temperature, it might boil over.

Other times, anger is displayed as quietness, with clenched jaws, rolling of eyes, snearing lips and a seared heart.  If practiced continually, it may be impossible for others to perceive, and the person  may wrongfully feel they are "controlling" their anger, therefore impossible to subdue. It might be accepted as a state of victory, because the top didn't blow.

But, it could be the deadliess form of anger if not rooted out. It can continue until the soul is barren and bitter. It is the kettle that has run out of moisture, unnoticed and scorched. By the time the lid is lifted, dinner might not be salvagable.

We are quick to jump on obvious anger. It is easy to spot, easy to correct, although guilt can be strong fall-out, which leads to more anger.

It is easy to deal with the name-calling, door-slamming, yelling and lashing out at others.

It can be the hardest part of parenting, dealing with tempertantrums, but we Mommies MUST reign over our emotions.

Yea, you were hoping I was talking about the kids.  I'm not.

I'm talking about Naughty Mommies.  I'm talking about them because I am one of them.

If there are tantrums in your children,  first check is to see how YOU deal with pain, disappointment, accidents, offense, lack of sleep, lack of food (hypoglycemic, anyone?), relationships and prayers not answered according to your plans. 

All things physical, emotional, mental and spiritual can cause tantrums.

No excuses, right?  Just because we're not feeling well, doesn't give us permision to act naughty, right?

Isn't that what we tell our kids?

Today, ask the Lord to give you insight to your own anger, in each of these three  stages of action.

How do you react?

What are your causes?

Psalm 139:23-24

 Search me, O God,

and know my heart: try me,

and know my thoughts:

And see if there be any wicked way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

We are blessed to have a Father in Heaven who is parenting us with such love, grace, mercy and forgivness.  He longs for us to trust Him completely.

He will show our hearts, and lead us in the way.